Settling VS Wandering

I could have chosen to settle down. I could have accepted one of the teaching positions I was offered, and I would have just finished my first year teaching a middle school English class. So many thoughts went through my head when the county English supervisor offered me the contract right at her surprise observation of my class that I student taught. I weighed so many pros and cons after I received my phone call from another county’s English supervisor within twenty-four hours of my interview telling me that I was likely to be offered the job, and promptly received the contract the following day. I had to ask myself- am I ready to settle down yet?

Growing up, I thought that the ideal scenario would include me finding my prince charming at high school and being the stereotypical high school sweethearts, completing a college degree to become a teacher, being proposed to by the end of college, finishing my first year of teaching, getting married, buying a house in a wonderful neighborhood, and starting a family. I thought that I needed this. I thought that I wanted this, and I did until this past year. Now I can’t imagine this reality, which largely is in part due to the fact that most of this timeframe has come and gone and my life has veered so far from this path.

At twenty-three years old I am wandering. Not lost, but still finding my way. I completed my undergraduate bachelor's degree in English with a concentration of Secondary Education and a minor in Art in the Thomas Bellavance Honors College at Salisbury University, which gave me the opportunity to pick the fork in the road. Settling or wandering. I chose Fulbright- I chose Brasil. And although every minute of being here is worth it (value a pena), I still look back and wonder what things would be like if I was still stateside.

Living abroad for nine months in a way puts your life on hold. Before you leave, especially the last few months beforehand, it’s hard to begin anything when you know that soon enough you will be leaving. It feels almost as though you are closed the chapter of a book. Not ending the story, but moving on to a new part, and needing to tie up loose ends. As well, while abroad, you have so many amazing things happening in your current moment but you look back to all of your friends and family who continue on with their lives without you present in the picture. Sometimes I wonder, would you have invited me to that concert too, or would I be sitting on the beach next to you? Thinking like this is silly though, and I try to remind myself to soak in every moment of the time abroad- because who knows if I will ever live in Brasil again.

It’s these thoughts as I look to once again apply for fellowships, but this time for masters funded programs- such as Marshall, Cambridge, Mitchell, and Rhodes. I ask myself where I would want to place myself for at least the next two years to complete a masters, and then I wonder if a doctorate degree is in my future. I’m taking the approach to throw everything at the wall and see what sticks, but it’s so nerve-wrecking to think about the future. The first time I heard the term “imposter syndrome”, I finally felt relieved to know that there is a defined term to explain what I’ve felt. Somedays, I stand beside my fellow Fulbright ETAs and wonder- how did I ever get chosen for this? I’m working alongside brilliant (beyond brilliant) graduates who have done everything short of save the world. Yes, I’ve had some accomplishments along the way, which I won’t deny, but it’s very intimidating still. Knowing that Fulbrighters just like them, who are equally as spectacular, applying for the same fellowships makes me so nervous. Some fellowships offer only forty positions each year. So, it’s me versus the super-genius overachiever, and I’m not sure if I would even have a chance. I won’t let that stop me though. Let the essay season begin.