A Very Honest Poem to Organize Thoughts

Not everyday is wonderful while living abroad. You're away from your family and friends, you experience culture shock, and throw in immersion for a real kicker of a challenge. I used to write poetry more frequently when I was younger, and it's one of the things that inspired me to pursue and English major. Yes, living abroad can be hard- especially if you have anxiety and depression, but it's manageable. This post is not a cry for help, nor complaining, but simply rather just the very honest portraying of some of my thoughts one night that I jotted down. :)


Small truths about me-

I'm a sweets girl.
I'll take sweet over savory anyday.
Moving around as I have has made me unattached in a way.
I get restless if I stay in an area
for too long,
Which is partially how I wound up in another hemisphere,
Again.
I prefer paper books to electronics-
the antiquated manner English majors prefer.
I am a hopeless romantic through and through.
When the rain pours, I do hope for a passionate kiss.
I crave being pulled in for a slow dance with no music.
I look forward to hugs when I can nuzzle my head into a chest.
I prefer hugs over kisses-
The feeling of being wrapped up and feeling safe.
Waking up and a shy good morning smile
from the guy I like is one of my favorite
Moment of the day.
I'm a restless sleeper, and crave the comfort of being held as I sleep,
but know I can't.
But just a hand reached over and touching me
keeps me at peace.
Living in the heat of Brazil helped me to overcome my anxiety
of sleeping without a blanket.
It took 9 years,
but the Brazilian heat broke me
for the better .
Writing, normally a form of stress relief,
turned into a stress producer this year.
I worry about the future too much,
And while Brazil has helped to shed
a bit of the tranquilo attitude on me,
I still worry about rejections this coming year.
Until this year, I thought I wanted
and needed to settle down.
I thought that by 25 I wanted to buy a house,
start a family,
and have a stable job,
but now I can't imagine this timeline.
Fulbright has given me hope for
winning more fellowships
and furthering my education,
but everyday I remind myself that
it's ok to work for a year or pursue a different opportunity
if things don't work out as planned.
Everyday my goals for what I want
to do and how I want to change
the world- morph.
I just hope that something
advantageous comes from these goals.
Somedays in Brazil I surprise myself and hold
down my depression and anxiety to the point
that you might know they affect me.
Other days, I curl up in my bed, avoiding
the language, stress, and people.
Somedays, I'm so sick of hearing Portuguese.
Somedays, I want to be back in the country
I know so well how to navigate.
Most days though, I babble
On with English thoughts
in my head and
a botched Portuguese conversation aloud.
The sunrise reflecting off
the city buildings keeps me grounded.
Every morning I wait for
the pink clouds and I mentally
remind myself of reasons to feel lucky.
I count them off in my head everyday.
I've never been an easy girl to understand.
I say one thing and mean another.
I'm the cliche-
I get mad over simple things,
realize the ridiculousness,
but fear apologizing.
I get mad, and sad, and I cry too much
I cry when I'm sad
I cry when I'm happy
My body just leaks
whenever it's emotional-
Which scares people
I try to stay grounded, but sometimes
communicating seems impossible.
Especially when my language
barrier sets me back to being 5 years old.
The prestige of a Fulbright fellow,
but the day to day feeling
of a struggling girl just trying to make it through
one conversation after another until the day is over
Then repeat.
But smile as I wait
For the pink glimmer on the glass.